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About Deviant Pro bono human exotica writerFemale/Canada Recent Activity
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Mature content
You Let Her Drive? :iconla-zombie-monkey:la-zombie-monkey 0 0
Voodoo Burlesque
"For the love of God-" Monroe regretted his choice of words a moment later when his face was slammed down against the dark wood of his piano. Religion and policework just shouldn't mix. "Lily only took off the naffin' veil!" Apparently he had made a worse first impression than he thought as his face bounced one more time into the hard wood. It was just amazing how some people got their panties in a twist over fairly coy burlesque in Las Vegas in 1955.
"And it wasn't even the one on her tits!"
Monroe noted the disappointed twinge to the protest from the peanut gallery and the answering snort from Lily, silver coins clattering against her thinly clothed hips. The belly dancing top had barely been a scrap in the first place, and had saved her from spending the weekend in jail with Monroe. The fact she was curvy, pale skinned and a blond bombshell had helped as well.
Monroe was just a faerie, male and a combination between Jamaican and Japenese with a broken nose.
"I'll phone Sally
:iconla-zombie-monkey:la-zombie-monkey 1 0
Pet Sematary, Cloud Bunnies and French Girlfriends
Cosenti closed his eyes, inhaled deeply and let the world soak in for a few moments. It was the warmest summer he had the pleasure of being in for twelve years, an ice cold mojito in hand, most of a Triple A cow on his grill, and only a slightest bleep of a threat from Hell regarding his Heaven bent path in the past week.
He opened his eyes in time to flip the steaks cooking on his grill, smiling in approval at the healthy amount of char and pressed his thumb into the flesh to see whether they were ready to be put on a preheated plate. A few more minutes would do it.
Now he just had to toss the salad and get some clothes on- Cosenti jerked at the slippery grass curling between his toes when the only thing that was supposed to be under his feet was the roughest concrete known to mankind. He snapped his head down to confirm the fact his feet were melting away and Cosenti did his best to get his priorities straight as he sank knee deep in another plane of existance.
Food. If he was
:iconla-zombie-monkey:la-zombie-monkey 0 1
Enough Naffin' Questions.
"So what are your thoughts on S'an M?"
Angus limped for a brief moment as Frank's daughter wrapped herself around his leg, swooping down in the next step to hitch the three year old up on his hip. Oh, the joys of not running through the questions before an interview. Nobody said he had to explain what it meant to the kid riding on his hip.
"Not my particular cup of tea, but I can't knock it until I've tried it." He threw his child bearing hip out for Frank to peel his child off of his boss's hip. Angus ignored the set of eyes checking out his ass and slicked his finger under his collar. "Though I think I might like it."
Hell, he spent enough of his life putting himself through pain, no?
"So how would you classify your ass-"
"Sagging apple bottom." Angus snatched the Ipad away from the rangy reporter playfully, scanning over the questions to get a general feel for what the magazine was trying to get out of him. "Three questions about my rear? Darling, 'm afraid this isn't going t
:iconla-zombie-monkey:la-zombie-monkey 0 0
Demon in The Milk Jug.
Cosenti pushed his hand into a oven mitt as his kettle burst into a whistling scream before he tried to flick the burner off with his free hand. It seemed to be welded in place and the flame growing higher. He wiggled it once more as the tightness under his skin returned, giving up with a exasperated sigh as a disembodied voice spoke.
"Wrong  incarnation, dumbass." Cosenti snapped at thin air before he snatched his kettle up and poured it into his French press so his chai tea could steep. His irritation born from some demon that he wouldn't piss on if she was on fire messing with his kitchen battled with his manners for a second.
Nah, this one probably couldn't show up dirt side if her life depended on it and she'd probably break one of Cosenti's tea cups if she accepted a cuppa, anyway.
The flame shot up half an inch and Cosenti gave it a glance. Rather sad how most demons never spent enough time on Earth to realize that not everything and everybody wasn't fl
:iconla-zombie-monkey:la-zombie-monkey 0 4
Just a Fairy Tale.
"Come on, you know they check the beds at midnight-"
Kurin shoved his cold hands into his coat sleeves and pulled another lungful of smoke into his lungs, teeth digging deep into the root of his cigarette. What was the point of escaping the English private school if the thirteen year old tailing him and trying to be his guilty conscience was freezing in piss poor sneakers.
"You know Father Christmas isn't real, right? Along with most fairy tales. Even if he was, he couldn't fill all the good wee' children's stockings in one night. Following me so far?" The kid rocked his head with a chip toothed smile. Kurin's own tongue briefly curled around the caps over his own teeth he had gotten as a present at seventeen before finishing his point.
"So five people checking nine hundred beds at midnight isn't fucking happening. Just start walking and you'll get in well before they find their way to your ward." The wet snow started pelting a bit thicker and Kurin glanced at the stable with th
:iconla-zombie-monkey:la-zombie-monkey 0 0
Mature content
Wisp Round Two. :iconla-zombie-monkey:la-zombie-monkey 3 4
A Late Night For Tweez
Bryce bumped open the swinging door to the kitchen with his hip and tiredly kneaded the bridge of his nose with his free hand. He just couldn't understand why the same old lady came in every day (Usually in the middle of the night), ordered after bossily dismissing Simon, and bitched into Bryce's falsely sympathic ear for five minutes about the food coming out exactly like she ordered it. Hell, he couldn't even blame Simon for bolting in the opposite direction when he saw her coming.
Not to mention she got handsy around Bryce's behind after the third Long Island Ice Tea. Lily just snickered when she heard about it. Bryce got a move on with a sigh and gently set the half eaten bagel down on the stainless steel counter in front of Tweez.
"The Bat is baaack." He felt pretty bad about cutting into his Head Chef's nap at nearly one in the  morning, seeing how Tweez stuck around for four hours after her eight hour shift ended. Stefan was supposed to come in when Tweez's shif
:iconla-zombie-monkey:la-zombie-monkey 0 0
Mature content
WISP Round One :iconla-zombie-monkey:la-zombie-monkey 1 1
August 28th 1932
"Hey Lunger-"
Rannon let out a raspy squeal of fear and felt his back slam back into the wall of coal behind him and his heart hammering fast against his ribs at the shock of Simon appearing out of the darkness. The small light on his his helmet only offered a sickened beam of yellow light into the darkness, and often only the whites of a man's eyes would let him know somebody was standing in front of him.
And a smile was no help at all, since the coal dust turned teeth black within ten minutes.
Simon grinned apologetically and lightly bumped his palm against the taller man's rib cage before flicking his hand away to scrape a layer of black sweat off his forehead. He bounced the flat edge of his pick axe gently off the top of his foot and teased the redhead as he fished for a white hanky he kept tucked against his stomach under his pants.
"Hav' to lose those glasses, or you won't be able to see a damn thing for the rest of the day." Rannon's ears pinkened before he grunted with a
:iconla-zombie-monkey:la-zombie-monkey 0 0
Eden's Teacups
Cosenti splayed his hands flat on the kitchen island and stared blankly down at the neatly scribbled pop quiz Rannon had wrote up for him. Rannon was turned to face his fellow teacher and was watching him with intent eyes from behind his glasses. Cosenti had been around for six thousand plus years, he must have learned what the Zone of Proximal Development was. Or could at least hazard a educated guess at it.
He went smoothly into a slump and said with a amused glance at Rannon, "Haven't the foggiest. Do know I tend to have a slightly butchered Machiavellian approach to teaching-" Cosenti let out a slightly muffled yelp of pleasure as Rannon let out a yell of, "Bella!" And delivered two swift and slightly whiskery kisses to Cosenti's cheeks, in the Italian style Cosenti was affectionately familar with.
"You got the style wrong, but still, you're learning!" Rannon had heard and occasionally seen Cosenti in action in his spider plant filled classroom. The lucky bastard had
:iconla-zombie-monkey:la-zombie-monkey 0 43
Full name: Cosenti Avril Asker
Age (appeared): Mid-twenties Gender: Male (But can flip flop between male and female if he feels like it.
Species: Doppelganger demon. (Shape shifter.)
Eye color: Gold pussy cat eyes (same tilt too and pupil tendancies)   
Skin Tint: Dark honey  
Hair color: Ink black with charcoal gray here and there.
Hair style: Usually down or pulled back. Soft waves.
Hair Length: Half an inch above his shoulders.
(For Cosenti) Fur patterns, and where: Alllll Egyptian Mau.   
Sexuality: Pansexual. If he's attracted to it, there's a good chance he'll hump it or let it sex him up.
Height: 6'0.
Weight: 170. (Has a metabolism nearly as fast as his pulse so he needs at least ten thousand calories to stay there. Hasn't gained a damn pound for three hundred years.)
Muscle build (none to buff): 6.6 Hunting, bed activites and life keeps him fit, but he's a yoga master and former Persian Immortal, so he's got the best of both worlds.
:iconla-zombie-monkey:la-zombie-monkey 0 27
Wisp Audition
Cosenti hummed a half forgotten tune under his breath as he ran across the mellow coloured floorboards in his loft, shedding his coat as his muscles clenched, bunched and released as he leapt for his eight foot long African spear mounted on the wall. His toes curled around the dully gleaming point of it and clawed his way up twenty feet for the book shelf (And bed for the night.) With a fluid shimmy of his body, he hauled himself up onto the three foot wide shelf and into a pile of mauled blankets.
"Come on, Sugar, where are you?" Cosenti stretched with a toothy yawn as he reached for the crumbling Persian journal where he had stashed Rosa's ring for the day while he was away for the day. His crisply tailored slacks got thrown over the side onto the floor far below before he hugged himself into a small ball, naked as the day he was born as he clenched the small ring of metal in his fist.
Eighty years of making love, bargained for 'youth', marriage, pirating and living with only
:iconla-zombie-monkey:la-zombie-monkey 0 35
Mature content
Eden :iconla-zombie-monkey:la-zombie-monkey 0 4
Mature content
Role Reversal. :iconla-zombie-monkey:la-zombie-monkey 0 4
Mature content
Eden's Bouncy Bedsprings. :iconla-zombie-monkey:la-zombie-monkey 0 2

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Pro bono human exotica writer
1. Your OC can't touch the interviewer for whatever reason you choose. (:dummy: Theeyyy won't follow this rule~)
2. You may use multiple OCs but it was created with the idea of one OC.
3. This was created for those who have killed. If they haven't killed, get out.
4. Made to test the reactions of OCs, sorry for being so damn impolite! I really am D:
7. You don't need to tag, that question may be used for extra SASS from your OC towards the most charming interviewer. xP


1. Hey, what's your name?
- Slivin J Cadavore. The rest of my middle name just gets more embarassing.

2. How old are you?
- Twenty two years old.

3. And your gender?
- Mmmmale. I have people who can back me up on that.

4. Fine. What are/were your parents like?
- According to Poppy, I'm practically my mom. And Dad is much nicer without a head on his shoulders.

5. We all need someone to watch our back, is there anyone to take care of you?
- Absolutely. And thank Gah'd I don't have to pay Loon or Jesse to do it.

6. I see...In your opinion, are you a lover or a fighter? Don't say both.
- So far, I'm a fighter.

7. And what do you think people view you as?
- Probably bad for the most part. But I've also got good squishy spots.

8. Talking of lovers, have you got a girl/boyfriend?
- Not at the moment. I've had a couple of both in the last few years.

9. If not, why not? Do you think it's your fault or do you think it's their loss?
- Oh, me and Chiad were bad for each other from the get go. And I had to leave Claud, getting AIDS at fourteen and sharing a hospital bed would have been awful.

10. If you do, what are they like?
- Who now?

11. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Describe your life in one word.
- Listen, it isn't my fault you're bad at wording questions., Jayus. *1
Indonesian – "A joke so poorly told and so unfunny that one cannot help but laugh"

12. Do you have a goal in life? In love?
- Retire without any major maiming on my behalf. And a big German man to shag my brains out regularly would be nice too.

13. Ever wanna have kids?
- Eeeh, I was assuming I'd be sterile by the time I was thirty.

14. How would you like to die?
- With a very memorable set of final last words.

15. I'm sure we can arrange it for you soon. What's your favourite weapon?
- I do enjoy explosives, steath and a really good gun. Not in that order.

16. Where do you live?
- I'm either in Barbados in a cottage, or in New Orleans.

17. Sounds awful, how do you manage to live in such a dump?
- Watch your fucking mouth or I will make sure you end up buried under a real one.

18. What's...what's that smell?
- I'm going to hazard a guess that it's the Chinese grocery down the street.

19. It's you. You stink! When was the last time you showered exactly?
- How the hell do you think I smell like fermenting cabbage and Peking duck? And last night.

20. Mhm yeah it shows. ¬_¬
- Wasn't like I was rubbing down a with a racoon sponge, you know.

21. Do you have a theme tune, do you think? Perhaps one your creator found for you?
- "El Tango de Roxanne from Moulin Rouge. *2

22. Do you like it?
- I do. Very fitting. If you swap weapons in for the dress.

23. How do you feel about your creator (don't forget they selected this interview for you)?
- Never seen anything swear that much at work and win over the Newbies at the same time.

24. Ever killed anyone?
- Thought it would have been obvious at this point.

25. Thought as much. I'm impressed. Ever killed a family member? Why?
- Yes. Buuuuut it wasn't my Mom at five. Wasn't like I was running around with a Power Ranger trying to cave skulls in.

26. A friend? Why?
- Haven't got paid enough for it yet.

27. A lover? Why?
- Big difference between owner and lover. I think.

28. A cop or other law enforcer? Yu-huh, I'm not sure I need to ask why here.
- What, you thought I was after employeees at Disney World?
29. And how about yourself? I mean, have you ever considered ending your life? Other than the obvious stupidly pathetic life you lead bringing you down, what else made you consider?
-Nope, I've always been a trooper.

30. And who/what stopped you?

A healthy sense of self esteem?

31. If you had killed yourself, would anyone have felt bad about it? Friends, acquaintances, family, lovers?
- Kurin would probably be up in the air about it, actually....

32. And I suppose you're glad you didn't?
- All I can say is the Near-Death-Experience sex is pretty amaaaazing.

33. Yes, well great. I'd love to say it's been a pleasure talking to you but it really wasn't.
- Ooooh I'm wounded. Don't you have a cooking magazine to buy?

34. You gonna tag any more people to do this so they can feel your pain?
- Mmm Roth Bastow. Might have to get a English to German dictionary, though...

35. Whatever. See ya later (though I really hope not).
- Oh, I already know where you live.

Jayus. Indonesian – "A joke so poorly told and so unfunny that one cannot help but laugh"



Add a Comment:
grievousfan Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2015  Student General Artist


la-zombie-monkey Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2015
:heart::heart:! I think the way you say happy birthday is my favourite way. :)  We should talk more, my Gorgeous little artist. How're you doing, babe?
cut-box Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2013
Thanks for faving! :la:
pagandevil Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2013
thanks for the +fav :)
Mxi665 Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012
Thanks for the fav :]
Emaretto Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Student General Artist
So that boring old pumpkin pie ended up being amaretto flavoured, if you didn't catch it on Facebook. ;)
la-zombie-monkey Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012
Acccctually I didn't catch that. I saw how smooth it was and the classy cinnamon stick and moped over my lumpy sweet potato and pumpkin pie.:sheepish:

How did the amaretto turn out?:heart:
Emaretto Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2012  Student General Artist
I'm making pumpkin pie with crust from scratch! As soon as I can find butter, that is. The pumpkin is canned, but only because I couldn't really muster up the balls to lug a pumpkin a mile through Midtown Atlanta in the blistering heat. : C
Will be thinking of you as I play happy housewife, and afterwards when scraping flour from under the stove burners. (And I mean that in the best possible way you know)
la-zombie-monkey Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2012
Awww, I love you too, baby.:heart: Was actually thinking of you as well when I was working on Thanksgiving. 'cept the pie was in reverse- fresh pumpkin, frozen pie crust.

Actuuually I was wondering how well the Seven Layer bars would do to Atlanta...
Emaretto Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Student General Artist
I want demmm ugh

(sorry for all the late replies, I was dead to the world a week after finals)
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